You can’t Tinder your way into a relationship. Trust me, I’ve tried.
“Dating apps are awesome,” said NO ONE EVER.
Have you been using Tinder, Bumble and/or Hinge off-and-on since forever, with nothing — scratch that, no one — to show for it?! Then keep reading…
Like you, I’ve been using dating apps off-and-on for the past seven years, yet I’m still single af despite being a cute, smart, independent, fun woman (aka the total package ;).
Unfortunately, dating apps (or “hookup” apps as my brother refers to them) seem to be the only way to meet people in this post-COVID hell we’re living in.
So at the beginning of the year, after starting work with a new client in the dating and relationship space (and swiping through 67,899 guys in two years… with nothing to show for it besides a loss of hope and depression), I began seriously thinking about why modern dating sucks so much and researching how I could meet high-quality single men in my city without downloading another app.
Here’s what I see as the fundamental problems with modern dating…
Dating apps don’t work.
We don’t know the people we’re meeting online.
DANGEROUS
Dating apps are the №1 way people meet today, which is scary af when you consider the fact that literally anyone in the world can create an account on Tinder, Hinge, OkCupid… (Even registered sex offenders!)
facts
- 42% of Tinder users aren’t single
- 30% of Tinder members are married
- 1 in 10 sex offenders use online dating sites
- 19% lie about their age on dating apps
- 60% misrepresent their weight on dating apps
- 10% of online dating profiles are fake
- 81% of people lie about themselves on their online dating profiles
So we’re essentially trusting complete strangers, whom we share zero mutual connections with, and met on a FREE, massively popular dating app, to be the amazing people they portray themselves to be.
From my experience, this is a very naive thing to do.
Bad people don’t warn you that they’re bad. You just eventually figure it out.
Unfortunately, only after you’ve seriously invested your time, gotten hurt and/or taken advantage of by them.
AMBIGUOUS
Dating apps have turned into hookup apps, so you never know what someone is looking for exactly, but it’s probably not a long-term commitment of any kind.
Only 25 percent of Tinder users said they had actually used the app to meet someone for a long-term relationship. Even Match.com, Tinder’s parent company, said it’s for teens and twenty-somethings who want to hookup.
“Tinder sometimes gets a bad rap for being casual. But keep in mind that people in the late teens and early 20s are not looking to settle down. It is a time to explore and discover yourself, meeting lots of people and being social.” — Match Group CEO Mandy Ginsberg
And while Match tries to market Hinge as the “dating” alternative to Tinder, it isn’t. If you download both apps, you’ll quickly see the same people from Tinder on Hinge… and Bumble.
CALLOUS
Eighty-four percent of people say online dating has negatively impacted their mental health.
It’s not surprising when you consider how people treat each other online. Women are harassed. Men are ignored. And everyone has been ghosted.
We spend more time online (alone) than offline.
INEFFICIENT
According to my Tinder stats, over the last two years, I’ve swiped through 67,899 guys.
Five percent of the time (or 3,854 times) I swiped right, which left me with 1,479 matches and 1,963 messages. I replied to 136 of those messages, which materialized into less than 10 first dates. I ended up “talking” to one — who ended up having a girlfriend (I didn’t know about… until I did) — and saw long-term potential in another who clearly didn’t see long-term potential in me.
What hurts the most is that I wasted SO MUCH TIME on this app (I DESPISE wasting time) with literally NOTHING tangible to show for it. In fact, these apps have only helped increase my depression and loneliness.
Sad Fact: The average user spends 90 minutes per day on Tinder.
INEFFECTIVE
Location-based dating apps like Tinder suck because they randomly show you people based on age, location and app usage (how often they use the app and when the last time was that you/they did).
The problem with these inputs is a) people lie about their age to get past filters and b) many users are just on vacation and don’t actually live in the city they’re swiping in and c) you have no idea what the other person is looking for, so you’re forced to wonder (and obviously overthink it) or ask (and get ghosted immediately).
EXPENSIVE
Dating is expensive for both sexes. Men are expected to pay for the night out, and women are expected to look more than presentable by getting their nails and hair done, buying a new dress, etc. This adds up if you’re going on a lot of first dates. Not to mention, how much does it suck when you have to drop money on someone you found mind numbingly dull for the last hour and promptly plan to ghost?
We don’t give people a chance.
SHALLOW
“When I’ve really been in love with someone, it’s not because they looked a certain way or liked a certain TV show or a certain cuisine. It’s more because when I watched a certain TV show or ate a certain cuisine with them, it was the most fun thing ever.” — Aziz Ansari
How can you know for sure whether you’d have a great time with someone based solely on a handful of curated pictures that are probably not even a totally accurate depiction of them IRL? You can’t.
I get it. Looks are important, but remember, NOT *most* important, and especially less so overtime.
SHORT-LIVED
“When you hear a Flo Rida song at first you’re like, ‘What is this, Flo Rida? It’s the same thing you’ve always done. I’m not listening to this song.’ And then you keep hearing it and you’re like, ‘Oh my God, Flo Rida. You’ve done it again! This is a hit, baby!’ And that’s what people are like. People are like a Flo Rida song. You need to hear them a couple of times before you really get what they’re about.” — Aziz Ansari
Only 13 percent of Tinder users reported relationships lasting beyond the one month mark.
I wrote off my ex-boyfriend when I first met him because he wasn’t my normal “type.” A few months of friendship later, and I was head over heels in love. I almost didn’t give him the time of day though because I didn’t know him enough to be attracted to him yet.
This is known as the “slow burn.” Instead of instant fireworks, over time someone we weren’t initially attracted to becomes beautiful.
HYPERCRITICAL
We judge the hell out of people today, especially people we don’t know IRL or that well in general. I mean seriously, all you have to do is send the wrong emoji, and you’re ghosted. #nonewfriends
STIGMA
I don’t care what any article says, there is most definitely a stigma associated with meeting someone on Tinder, and while I have no scientific evidence that men are the bigger culprits here, I believe they are.
Many guys who have messaged me on Tinder say, “You seem too good to be on Tinder” as if a good girl couldn’t be on Tinder. And other guys I’ve talked to from Tinder couldn’t get past the fact we met on the app, like I wasn’t good enough because we did.
Our mindsets around dating and relationships suck.
Thirty-seven percent of those between the ages of 18–29 and 39 percent of those between the ages of 30–49 are uninterested in romantic relationships/dating.
According to the same study, 61 percent say they’re single because they have more important priorities while 41 percent report liking the lifestyle.
Yet, our generation is the loneliest, most depressed and burnt out generation ever, and it’s killing us at faster rates than other generations.
Simultaneously, year after year, the Census Bureau releases its latest figures, reporting there are even more single people than there were the year before.
A Pew Research report predicted that by the time we reach the age of 50, about one in four of us will have been single our entire lives. That’s a cohort of 50-year-olds in which 25 percent have never been married.
In the words of Drake’s mom, “Who the fuck wants to be 70 and alone?”
Not I. And I’m sure not you either, which begs the question: How can we be so ambitious about work but so unambitious about relationships?
The majority of millennials are in survival mode.
Had you asked me this question at 25, I would’ve rolled my eyes and kept mindlessly, binge swiping in between hustling all day, everyday.
Like the majority of Millennials, I was in survival mode for years, making it extremely difficult to create the work-life balance needed for a relationship to thrive. I even bragged about in Inc, in 2016.
Flash forward to 2021, and my freshly 32-year-old, burned-out self deeply regrets putting dating and relationships on the backburner, because now, I feel like the loneliest person in the whole world, and work is not — and has never been — there to console me.
Today, more than half of millennials are still just trying to survive; 52 percent currently live with their parents, and 53 percent are, to varying degrees, bankrolled by mom and dad.
If you read this article, you’ll begin to see a generation that’s given up on forming new bonds and families with their peers in exchange for easier access to resources from families/parents, who still treat them like children, with no plans for the foreseeable future. They’ve essentially given up, or put their life on hold.
My college “boyfriend,” who I dated for years before the one I mentioned above, never officially called me his girlfriend the entire time we were together… (Maybe I’ll finish this saga later, but onward in the meantime)
Turns out, the majority of millennials share the same mentality as my ex though. Remember, the №1 reason for not wanting to commit to a relationship is more important priorities, like school or work. (Or maybe they’re just a Peter Pan… but again, another time…)
I’ve asked a plethora of guys, who are early on in their careers and on multiple dating apps, why they juggle all these different girls when they ultimately want a committed relationship and seem like good guys. Their answer is always some version of: “I am not ready to meet someone because I am not secure financially yet.”
According to CNBC, single women share this sentiment.
Womens’ top three life priorities in 2018:
- Living on own
- Establishing career
- Financial security
We treat the opposite sex as enemies to game.
Many of us carry deeply held anger, fears and/or resentments against the opposite gender, and it shows. Just download any hookup app, and you’ll swipe through TONS of jaded bios and receive rude or inappropriate messages daily.
And trust me, I get it. I’ve had my fair share of heartbreak. In the words of Selena, “Every time I try, every time they lie.”
We look down on people, or laugh at people, who think about relationships, but this is one of the biggest decisions you’ll ever make in your life.
“It’s hard work, spending a lifetime giving what you never get. When you partner with someone you have a second chance at family.”
As passé or postponed as marriage or partnership may seem, what is even less in vogue is talking about it. Popular magazines portray a twentysomething culture dominated by singles who are almost obsessed with avoiding commitment. But behind closed doors, I hear a different story. I have yet to meet a twentysomething who doesn’t want to get married or at least find a committed relationship. The clients with fast-paced lives or high-profile jobs just feel compelled to whisper about it and hope for the best. It seems too conventional, or at least politically incorrect, to be strategic about such things. Even clients who desperately want to be married seem embarrassed, or even superstitious, about staking claim to any particular relational dream. We seem to believe that relationships are completely out of our control.
We should be treating each other as potential partners who are both about to gain a lot from each other for a very long time… But if it doesn’t work out for whatever reason, we’ll give each other the courtesy of a proper goodbye. Not this ghosting bullshit. We’ll have an upfront conversation like adults.
We don’t think at all about the people we date, and even marry, but these people are going to be our “partners” in life… you want more than a pretty face, if you want to win big. That’s what I think anyway.
“I don’t think a lot about who I date. If the person is fun to talk to and there’s good sex, that’s enough. What more is there to worry about? I’m only twenty-seven.”
We slide instead of decide. We date down, so we don’t know how to date right. And we worry way too much about what our friends and family think.
In business you plan, if you want to win. A CEO with no plan would not be a CEO IRL. So it is mind-boggling to me that most people say they want a happy and successful relationship/marriage/whatever but then they don’t think about how it will materialize. I’ve been told I approach relationships too much like business, but I just can’t make sense of their lack of approach to it either.
Most people don’t stop to think, “Is there more than physical attraction here? Like is there substance too? Is there compatibility? Etc.
Side-note: The Pattern app and The Gottman Institute are interesting things to download/google if you need help finding the substance… or seeing the lack thereof. You’re welcome.
In entrepreneurship, when you’re fundraising, you MUST convince investors of the team — the people behind the business and their synergy.
It’s SO much easier to get funding as a seasoned founder, with proven experience, even if it resulted in failure if you learned from it. If you have a super solid team of talented people with complementary skill sets and personalities, you’re golden.
Solopreneurs have a MUCH harder time raising money, because the most successful people know that you can’t win big by yourself. It’s impossible, especially at the pace the world moves today.
Take this excerpt from a Business Insider article I saved forever ago (like years and years ago, and resend to my exes from time-to-time lol #cutebutpsycho):
Sexual energy is an incredibly powerful human energy… when it is harnessed and redirected, it can enhance our creativity, passion, enthusiasm, and persistence, all which are crucial in accumulating wealth, Hill says:
Sex desire is the most powerful of human desires. When driven by this desire, men develop keenness of imagination, courage, willpower, persistence, and creative ability unknown to them at other times.
**Love, romance, and sex are all emotions capable of driving men to heights of super achievement. When combined, these three emotions may lift one to an altitude of genius.**
What’s up?! NM. Just trying to become a rich genius.
“[Society] is structured to distract people from the decisions that have a huge impact on happiness in order to focus attention on the decisions that have a marginal impact on happiness. The most important decision any of us make is who we marry. Yet there are no courses on how to choose a spouse.” — David Brooks, political and cultural commentator
Flash forward to Christmas 2021:
Today’s me hates the 2016 me. If I was smart, I would’ve reprioritized my goals, because a computer is wonderful, but it can’t curl up with you on a cold night.
Happy Christmas,
Lauren ❤
